The Party Girl's Guide to Cancer

I FINALLY got lucky and scored a date with a surgeon!  The Surgeon’s office called immediately, before the two minutes of tears were dry.  It was Wednesday, the day of my diagnosis, and the appointment was set for Friday morning.  They were not messing around.  I could tell from the speed of mammogram to regram to ultrasound to the ultrasound tech telling me, “I’m calling in the doctor” that there was no time to lose.  They told me it would take two days for the results of my biopsy to come in.  They called me the next day.  What should I wear?  Coco Chanel says you should dress like you have a date with destiny.  And I do.  I grab the Adidas Track pants and disguise how lazy I am with faux fur accessories, including my Wookie apres ski boots. The month of my mammogram... Kevin and I entered the surgeon’s office and instead of being guided to an examination room with your standard paper-covered table, rolling chairs, hand...

“You’re tumor is malignant.  You have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  It’s the most common and treatable for of breast cancer.  We are calling the surgeon today.  They will call you and schedule your pre-surgical meeting.  If they don’t call today, call us back.” As the title of the made-for-TV movie noted, first, you cry.  I allowed myself probably 60 seconds of tears on the steady and capable shoulders of my boyfriend, Kevin, who is equally stunned by the news.  I wipe my eyes and after a few sniffles and a tissue, I ask, “Now what?”. How is this possible?  The former Paris Hilton of Punk Rock, Punk of the Month, Courtney-Love-without-The-Damage has breast cancer.  I have a Superman character named after me, dammit.  I’m supposed to be bulletproof.  Or have a superpower.  Or something.  There are people out there that are full of hate and vitriol walking around perfectly healthy to spread their misery.  I’...